My Guides have led me into somatic healing as the next step in this decades-long journey (lifetimes long, certainly). Through the years, I realized I had dissociated from my body in response to both extreme and relational traumas throughout childhood. When I would remember even mundane events, I would see myself from behind and above, as if in Spirit form, looking down at everything unfolding. It wasn’t until I began deep inner child healing and shadow work, during my shamanic apprenticeship, that I began to be able to see through my eyes, rather than from behind and above.
As I dig ever further into inhabiting the body and attuning to fundamental consciousness, I feel compelled to share some of my initial observations of the process, in hopes they are helpful to others in their own transcendental healing journeys. At the very least, know that you are not alone. Also, remember that, as you empower yourself, you release victim mentality and take responsibility for your life and your healing. Finally, try to push yourself a little further, each time you reach a place of resistance in your own healing journey. If you think you’re done, guess what… 🙂
Observation 1: Feet & Legs
I observe that, when I decided to begin the process of inhabiting the body and attuning to fundamental consciousness, I was compelled to keep my legs folded under me, rather than placing my feet on the floor. I observed myself rationalizing this as “more comfortable” despite the instructions from Dr. Judith Blackstone in her book, Trauma and the Unbound Body and despite the necessity of actually grounding through the connection points in my feet. At first, I accepted my own rationalization as “I am merely more comfortable,” until I realized that I was (1) pushing away the concept of truly grounding and (2) keeping myself in a protective, constricted, bound position, rather than expanding and opening myself. Legs folded under me has (had) been my usual posture, which I now observe to be a posture of self-protection, constriction and refusal to ground into and inhabit the body fully. As I aim to transmute this old way of being… feet on the ground.
Observation 2: Pelvis; Root & Sacral Centers
I observe that, when I began the work of inhabiting my pelvis to attune to fundamental consciousness from within and around this space, the muscles in my legs immediately constrict in an attempt to close off this opening and protect myself, whether my feet are solidly on the ground, or folded up fawn-like under me.
Furthermore, when I reflect on how I experience sexual encounters, I observe that, in almost every sexual encounter I have had, whether in a loving relationship or not, I am entirely detached from the act of sex and leaving the body altogether. I can only think of one sexual partner (with whom I was indeed in a loving relationship) where, in a few of our experiences together, I was able to remain present with him and fully connected to and within my body. I see now the importance of the deep work I have ahead to (1) keep from dissociating during sex and (2) to feel safe and derive true pleasure during the act.
Observation 3: Solar Plexus; Center of Power
First, I wish to address the pain I felt in my Solar Plexus when experiencing the numinous over the course of many years. Those who know me will recall that, whenever I had experienced the Divine, such as in nature or through artwork or communication, I would loudly declare, “My Stomach Hurts!!” I happily write the following in present tense, as I have now opened myself enough to contain the massive flow of Divine energy coursing through my core and lighting up my center of power. And I now know that, should I ever experience that pain in beholding the numinous in the future, I am to again ask God for strength and guidance in opening further to fully contain the divinity flowing within. I pray that, now and moving forward, I will continue to expand as the flow of Divine energy increases, so I may be a true vessel for Divine energy in all forms.
As for inhabiting this center of power bodily and attuning to fundamental consciousness here, I observed myself constrict — this time not because of the overflow of Divine energy, but in relation to the strength and fullness of my own power. I see that I have work to do to feel comfortable fully stepping into and embodying my personal power. Continuous attuning to fundamental consciousness within the space of my torso will show me that I am strong enough to hold and live within my full power, without being consumed by it.
Observation 4: Heart Center; Inhabiting the Chest
For many years, I have observed myself constricting the chest and heart center. Up until the exercise of inhabiting the chest and attuning to fundamental consciousness from within this space, I had thought the only reason I constricted my chest was to protect myself from heartbreak and from the full deluge of my emotions. This exercise, however, has revealed another reason for constricting my chest and heart center — pure terror, due to repeated extreme trauma that lasted for years. This trauma was not buried and lost in my subconscious somewhere, I just had never related it to the constriction in my chest… and my back, and my legs, and my throat, and my eyes… indeed, full body constriction.
I can still feel the constriction in my chest and shoulders and lower back now, just reflecting on those traumatic experiences. While this repeated trauma is not the only reason I have constricted and dissociated from the body to protect, my attention is called to this space now for healing. It is with gratitude and joy that I dive into this work, and the work of showing myself the safety within my body now, and within the home I have created for myself. Thank you, Beloved Divine, for this gift.
Other heart center inhabiting observations include:
- Fear of loss of love (attachment, abandonment)
- Constriction against love to protect against loss
- Fear of overwhelm from feeling love
- Distrust of others’ love
- Pain of longing for love
Through these observations, I conclude that it is paramount that I learn to inhabit my chest and heart center without constriction, and to attune to fundamental consciousness from within this space, in order to truly feel, live from and exist within my own wellspring of Divine love — love that permeates through every vibration within me, through me. Through this path of transcendence and self-mastery, I keep my big beautiful, heart open and expanded, free to give infinite love, as I live from within a space of infinite Divine love.
This well never runs dry.
